The Power of Grief

I’ve heard there are 3 certainties in life: death, taxes, and change. We will all experience each in our lives and while that is universal, it will impact each of us differently based on our own experiences, perceptions, coping skills and supports.  It’s important to know grief is not just the result of a death, though that’s the most accepted cause. Grief can be the result of any change or transition we experience, which happen far more often than death. (And of course, taxes can cause grief, too!)

Elisabeth Kubler Ross was a pioneer in studying death and the grieving process. She identified 5 stages (now thought of as reactions, as we do not progress through them linearly).

• Denial—“This can’t be happening, there has to be a mistake…”
• Anger—“This is _______’s fault, someone or something is the reason this happened!”
• Bargaining—”If I only _______ then ________ would be different…”
• Depression—“I miss ___________ and all the things associated…”
• Acceptance—“I don’t like it but I guess this is my/the new reality.”

When we experience any transition, change, or loss, we don’t progress from denial, to anger, and so forth. We bounce around from perhaps bargaining to depression, then back up to denial. Typically you’ll notice a general progression towards acceptance with some periodic phases of other reactions. If you ever find yourself stuck in one phase for an extended period, it might be time to seek professional help. 

Good Grief 

Wait, what? How can anything good cause grief? Again, transitions can cause grief reactions, including things that seem like an ‘upgrade’ or something you’ve worked towards, like:

• Buying a new car or moving into a new house (Saying goodbye to an object that has wonderful memories or “got me through” a period of your life…)
• Retirement (Congratulations! And an identity change…)
• Kids moving out and/or leaving for college (Success! And an empty nest…)
• What else?

Other Complications

Life is complex. We may be in the anger phase while working through a divorce. At the same time, we may be in the bargaining phase about a work project that didn’t go as planned, and the depression phase regarding the previous death of a loved one. And right in the middle of this we move to a nice home, but it’s in a new neighborhood and we need to re-learn how to get to the bathroom in the dark. That’s complicated, confusing, and overwhelming!

What’s helpful

• There is no one-size-fits-all method of coping with any transition or loss. And DO NOT, by all means, be hard on yourself if a new transition brings up an old one you thought you “worked through.” It doesn’t mean you did a “bad job,” it just means your body and soul are touched by the similar emotion you felt the first time…memories are not saved just for thoughts!
• Talk, talk, talk with your support system about the way the transitions are impacting you emotionally, physically, cognitively, etc.
• Say thank you to the person/place/thing that is gone and appreciate what you learned from them.
• Go from room to room in your house (or sit in the car) and appreciate the good memories and say goodbye to the old memories.
• Take time to acknowledge the change and how things are different, create new purpose. 
• Be creative: write, draw, sing, dance to express yourself.
• “Who Moved My Cheese?” is great read regarding change…
• And if needed, seeing a therapist can be helpful, too.