Have a Business-Like Approach to Co-Parenting

The key to successful co-parenting after a family transition is to maintain focus on the child and engage in a cordial relationship with the other parent. Using a business-like approach puts the focus back on the child, lessening the emotion involved and helps parents focus less on “winning” or “losing” and rather the well-being of the child. Research shows that children who have experienced family transition, such as divorce benefit from strong and healthy relationships with both parents and the most effective way to achieve this is to shield the child from parental conflict.

Use a Business-Like Approach

Using a business-like approach can help relieve tension by reducing the emotional component of the co-parenting relationship and viewing co-parenting as objective, prioritizing your child(ren)’s success.  Guidelines for a business-like approach to co-parenting include:

• Be reasonable and flexible- avoid focusing on the other parent and focus on what is in the best interest of the child and develop plans based on their needs
• Remain diplomatic- listen to the other parent, and remain supportive of family relationships from both families
• Be trustworthy- tell the other parent the truth and follow through on your responsibilities
• Be respectful- maintain a civil relationship, remove emotions or at least keep your emotions in check, if conversations get heated, remove yourself and come back to the issue at a later time
• Continuously work at it- businesses do not thrive overnight, this is a learning process, but keep your focus and energy on the best interests for your child(ren)

Avoid Games with the Other Parent

Co-parenting does not involve the use of ‘games’ or actions that place the child in the middle of a conflict. Below are common games to avoid playing:

• Merry Mom or Disneyland Dad– the role of parenting is not a competition, reward your child for positive behavior not as a tool to win favoritism over the other parent
• Turning Kids into Adults– don’t expect too much from your child, they are transitioning too. Remember to provide your child support, don’t expect them to communicate for you to the other parent
• Hostage– allow for children to move their possessions from home to home, this teaches them responsibility for their own belongings
• Put-Downs- avoid insulting or putting down the other parent in front of the child, all parental decision-making and discussions should be out of ear sight of the child
• I Spy and the Secret Keeper– never ask the child to spy on the other parent and provide you with information, nor ask your child to refrain from telling the other parent about the happenings in your own home

Youth exposed to a negative family transition suffer and are especially impacted by a hostile environment between parents. Often these children show higher probability of risky behaviors, such as drug and alcohol use and are five times more likely to live in poverty.  For more information on co-parenting after divorce or a major family transition and how to enroll in a parenting class visit your local judiciary center or family resource center.  Colorado State University is offering a free online parenting class on ‘Positive Parenting After Separation.‘  The class is open for enrollment and will begin on February 12th.

(Information adapted from Parents Forever curriculum, education for families in transition authored by the University of Minnesota Extension.)