We can be extremely hard on ourselves!
Our tendency towards being chronically self-critical has been called the “trance of unworthiness.” In Tara Brach’s, Ph.D., article, “Awakening From the Trance of Unworthiness,” she argues that this is not just a personal experience but a societal epidemic of feeling unworthy and deficient. At an early age we may receive messages from family and society that create a self-critical awareness. We are expected to be independent, self-reliant and strong. We need to be special, work harder, and succeed.
Not Good Enough
The trance of unworthiness can be the underlying factory behind our daily behaviors and life choices. As Brach points out: “Fear of failure and rejection feeds addictive behavior. We become trapped in workaholism – an endless striving to accomplish – and we over-consume to numb the persistent presence of fear.”
There is a pervasive lack of self-compassion at the heart of these beliefs and behaviors.
Barriers to Self Compassion
Many of us find it easier to bring kindness and tenderness to those around us rather than to ourselves. What holds us back? As Kristin Neff argues in “How Much do you Really Understand Self-Compassion,” we tend to believe that “if we aren’t blaming and punishing ourselves for something, we risk moral complacency, runaway egotism, and the sin of false pride.”
Neff identified 5 Myths that block us from self-compassion:
- Self-compassion is a type of self-pity. We don’t like to feel sorry for ourselves. But self-compassion is actually an antidote to self-pity; it allows us to bring greater acceptance to our difficult feelings which can help us process and let them go.
- Self-compassion equates to weakness. Yet researchers point out that self-compassion can be among the most powerful sources of coping and can engender the strength and resilience already within us.
- Self-compassion makes us complacent. While we worry that it will undermine our motivation, research suggests that self-compassion actually propels personal motivation and accountability, far more than self-punishment.
- Self-compassion is a form of narcissism. Instead of excessive self-focus, we can view self-compassion as a way of relating to who we are with kindness. Self-compassion can also help bring acceptance to our imperfections and awareness that imperfections are part of the human condition.
- Self-compassion is selfish. A common belief is that if we care for the well-being of others, we must neglect or treat ourselves poorly. But research shows that the ability to care for others is actually sustained through self-compassion.
How to Begin Self Compassion
Research increasingly demonstrates that offering ourselves the gift of compassion is essential for our emotional well-being. How do we begin?
- Take some time to explore the barriers that prevent us from self-compassion.
- Experiment, in the moments that difficulties arise, with holding ourselves with acceptance as a mother would hold a hurt or frightened child.
- Practice taking self-compassion breaks. This requires a moment to pause and offer yourself a breath, a smile, or a phrase like “May I be happy” or “May I be kind to myself.”
