Building Better Boundaries

In a previous article, we discussed The Power of Boundaries. Boundaries can take many forms, shapes, and sizes.

As a review, these 7 types of boundaries help to create a well-rounded view of ways to evaluate your overall safety, organization and psychological well-being.

1. Mental: Freedom to have your own thoughts, values, and opinions.
2. Emotional: How emotionally available you are to others.
3. Material: Monetary decisions, giving to lending to others.
4. Internal: Self-regulation, energy expended on self vs others.
5. Conversational: Topics that you do and do not feel comfortable discussing.
6. Physical: Privacy, personal space, your body.
7. Time: How much time you spend with someone or doing something

I’ve had many clients say, “my boundaries are just awful. People walk all over me, I just can’t say no.” I find that people tend to be a bit grand in their negative self-statements, finding ways to add the ill-famed “always” and “never” in the intent.

Ask yourself a few questions:

• Check your boundary: Are you bad with ‘everything’ or is it specifically finances? Or emotional boundaries? Or time management?
  • Give yourself credit for the boundaries you are good with, don’t lump them all in as being “bad”.
  • No one is great at everything, so cut yourself some slack and generate positive directed energy for the true task at hand.
• Be specific: Is your “bad boundary” a global observation or just regarding certain circumstances or people?
  • Is your time management horrible in all venues, or only when it comes to work projects? Do all people walk all over you, or is it specifically your mom?
    • If it is global, you’ll need to identify when in your past this boundary (or lack thereof) was established.
    • If it’s tied to specific situations, you’ll need to do more soul searching as to what it is (emotionally) about that person or place that causes so much angst.

Healthy or Unhealthy

Once you’ve narrowed it down to a specific boundary or a specific situation (person, place or thing), then you can start identifying if they are healthy or unhealthy. There is no rule to this judgment as it truly depends on the individual and the situation.

• Sometimes what was a healthy boundary for the time is no longer suiting you.
  • After a breakup you may go into your shell a bit more as you reflect and repair. But do you stay in that shell long after it helped, and now it’s starting to hold you back?
• Have the boundaries you’ve set stayed the same over the years or changed? What caused the change?
  • Remember, sometimes boundaries intentionally change due to specific situations in your world. We may choose to loosen a boundary while caring for an aging parent or tighten a boundary when getting a divorce.
  • Sometimes we were good with boundaries but become complacent.
• Reflect: after a situation, how do I feel? Good and confident or ‘bad’. If you need to find words for how you are feeling, consult a feeling wheel.
• Ultimately you need to decide, “Is this specific situation or boundary helping me or hindering me? Is this working for me right now? Is the consequence (or outcome) of this boundary (or lack of) causing emotions I don’t like?”

Now ask yourself:

“Am I ready to change, do I know what needs to change, and do I have the energy and drive it’ll take?” If the answer is yes. I hope you look forward to my next article.

If you would like to set up a time for your team or community to participate in “Building Better Boundaries,” please contact Kirsten directly.