Making Changes to Boundaries

Boundaries are complex, there is no ‘one size or judgment fits all’. In the article ‘Power of Boundaries‘ we identified where our boundaries come from and explored 7 different types of boundaries (mental, emotional, material, monetary, internal, conversational, and time). Then in the ‘Building Better Boundaries’ article we examined which specific boundaries may be healthy or unhealthy. In this article, we are looking at how to make changes that better reflect our needs.

Emotional Boundaries

Often at this stage, I have clients say, “I know what I want to do, but I just can’t do it!” It’s important to appreciate the role emotions play in our boundaries.

• Emotions often drive our boundaries. If I’m scared of being hurt, I won’t be emotionally vulnerable with someone. If I equate self-worth with projects completed, I may have a hard time saying ‘no’.
• How we feel about ourselves at the time of setting a boundary can influence how good we are at upholding it. When we are confident, we are better at setting the boundary, and when we are feeling insecure or exhausted, the boundary may be harder to hold or enforce.
• Emotions are part of the consequences (and reinforcement) of boundaries—we may feel proud when we set and hold a boundary, guilty which causes us to loosen the boundary, or angry when the boundary isn’t observed which can cause us to be reactive.
• Knowing our soft-spots: Guilt and shame often derail our efforts at setting and maintaining good boundaries. This is especially difficult when it is related to perceived judgment from someone important to us like a parent, spouse or boss.

Making changes:

• Just like any project, planning is essential. Don’t expect to suddenly have a new boundary without thinking it out.
  • Many times, we jump from problem to action without really looking at our options. Often, this just causes us to go back and re-do things to correct an impulsive reaction. STOP, try this instead:
    • Slow down: give yourself time to evaluate the situation
    • Think: what are all the things I can do, good or bad, put all the options on the table
    • Options: of all the options on the table, what are the pros and cons of each?
    • Plan: make a plan based on the options you’ve reviewed.
• Forecast WHY you want the boundary. Identify the end goal and note the specific steps to be successful.
  • Visualize what you want to be different.
    • If you want better time management, ask yourself these questions.
      • What is getting in the way?
        • Time spent socializing
        • Procrastination
        • Avoiding conflict
• Be clear and direct with other people.
  • If you say it, do it! Don’t have an ultimatum or threat if you aren’t willing to follow through.
    • Not following through teaches others that you weren’t serious and that your boundary attempts are false.
    • You don’t have to give people reasons why you are doing what you are doing. In fact, sometimes those long conversations can open space to derail your boundary.
  • Praise others when they respect your boundaries, and likewise, tell them you appreciate the boundary they set. Be kind to others and pay it forward.

Evaluate your progress:

• Be gentle with yourself—change is hard!
• Reflect back on what you did well, what didn’t go as planned, and what you will do differently next time the opportunity arises.
  • Keep a log. This helps you evaluate what to continue and what adjustments need to be made.
• Recognize when you change, there may be resistance from others. It’s not that they don’t want the best for you, but they are used to how things have been and you changing means they have to change, too. Again, remember the WHY and end goal.
• YOU CAN DO IT!!!

Note: If you would like to set up a time for your team or community to participate in a presentation on this topic, please contact Kirsten directly.